Happy Holidays from Zen Mother!

Dear Friends and Family,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! So sorry about the impersonal holiday newsletter, but apparently, I failed to read the fine print on our marriage license that said, ‘And the wife shall be responsible for all holiday cards, thank you notes, and responses to invitations for as long as you both shall live.’ So now, between the three kids and the full-time job, I find myself fresh out of time. Silly me!

Anyway, I’m sure you all have exciting news about your recent exotic travels, and the incredible accomplishments of your sweet, beautiful children. Can’t wait to get your holiday newsletter!! Lord knows my year will not be complete until I hear what little Timmy got on his SATs!!!!

Our children are all doing fine – although, they have no idea what ‘self-motivated overachiever’ means! At least we’ll never have to pay for tuition at Princeton!!!!

We didn’t go to Disney World, visit the Paris museums, or sail to the Bahamas. No ‘cruise line’ glow to our faces this year. My husband says I’m so pale, he no longer needs to turn on his reading lamp at night. Isn’t that funny!! He’s SO funny!!!

He did recently suggest a vacation, however. And before he could say another word, I was out the door and in my car. I was hitting 75 miles per hour on Interstate 95 when my cell phone rang. It was my husband calling to explain to me that he meant a family vacation. ‘You can’t take a vacation without your family!’ He said to me.

Clearly he’s not Protestant!!!

Anyway, when I got home, the family surprised me with a camping trip. Camping! Isn’t that GREAT! We drove six hours to sleep on the ground, AND it rained. Boy was it FUN!!! Especially when a skunk burrowed into my youngest son’s sleeping bag. We’re hoping his upcoming swimming lessons will help diminish the smell.

And, of course, we’re off to my sister’s for Christmas AGAIN!! HOORAY!! I remember last year at her house. We walked in the door and were immediately enveloped in smells of pine and cinnamon. Her children were dressed as characters from the Nutcracker. White pillar candles sat in nests of holly, and Andrea Bocelli sang throughout the home in state-of-the-art wireless Bose speakers.

It was so perfect, I wanted to vomit. And apparently, so did Grammy Z! She got so snockered that she threw up in the Wassail bowl! My oldest son captured it on film, and now it’s one of the most watched videos on the Internet. We’re SO proud!!

And last week, we attended my husband’s annual office party. That was worth a babysitter at twelve dollars an hour, LET ME TELL YOU! Nothing says the holidays like tomato aspic at the Marriott!! Of course, my husband was totally perplexed. “I don’t know why they serve that stuff. Nobody eats it,’ he said.

Clearly, he’s not Protestant!!!

Oh, and speaking of my husband, he gave me a gym membership for Christmas! ISN'T that the BEST!! I can’t wait to slowly become suicidal at the vision of a twenty-something cement butt bobbing up and down on the Stairmaster in front of me.

Well, that’s about all the WONDERFUL news I have to report!

Ho, Ho… oh, hell with it.