Learning the hard way

Dear Zen Mother,

I’m very concerned about cutbacks in education so I’m considering home schooling my children. Do you think this is a good idea?

Amanda from Newbury

Dear Amanda,

A few months back, my husband introduced just such an idea.

“I think the kids might benefit from home schooling,” he said. “I mean, you’re home all day anyway with that writing thing you do. And your sister thought it was a good idea.”

“Your words are a knife in my back,” I said to him.

“It’s not meant to…are you speaking with an Italian accent?” he asked.

“You’re dead to me,” I declared and went into the kitchen to cook Veal Braciola but not before calling my sister.

“I know it was you, Fredo,” I said to her answering machine then I hung up the phone to search for my garlic press.

That night at dinner my kids asked for their father.

“He sleeps with the fishes,” I told them. “Eat your veal.”

“Mom, you have to stop killing Dad. It’s getting old,” said my young teenager.

I decided to come clean and tell them about their father’s suggestion to be home schooled. But before I could say “fugedaboudit!” my kids were out the back door digging up their father and carrying him around on their shoulders chanting “Daddy’s Great! Daddy’s Great!” Clearly they were attached to the man. I had to seek my revenge another way.

Two weeks later, my husband asked his five-year old what he was learning “in school.”

“Lots of things, Dad. Mom’s a great teacher.”

Smug and confident, his father continued his probe. “What subjects are you learning? Math?”

“Oh no,” said the boy. “Mom says math is bull@#$%.”

The father choked on his morning coffee. “We don’t use that word, son,” he explained, trying to compose himself.

“Mom does – all the time. And lots of other words too, like #$*&, ^%#@#$ and @#^^&%$#. She says vocabulary is very important in life.”

The father’s middle child entered the room. “Don’t worry, Dad. We’re also learning a lot about history. Like about Billy the Kid. Yeah, he was this teenage boy turned gunslinger who was notoriously recognized as Demi Moore’s boyfriend before her first plastic surgery full-body restoration in 1878.”

“Yeah,” said the oldest, joining the discussion, “And we’re learning about Queen Elizabeth. She was offered gifts from kings and princes far and wide in return for her hand in marriage, including a lifetime supply of Manolo Blahnik shoes from the Italian king. Mom said this was tempting because Elizabeth loved her glam, but she was not the kind of girl to let a man slip into her empire.”

“And John Smith,” continued the middle child. “He was an American Idol finalist in 1618 noted for the bling on his black buckle shoes. He was disqualified after the Puritans discovered him drinking spiked Red Bull, though, so he sailed to Virginia where he met Pocahontas, a busty cartoon character who sang cheesy theme songs with a talking raccoon.”

The youngest of the three children delivered the final blow. “And Grammy Z is going to teach us sex education next week.”

“Hurry up! You’ll be late for the school bus,” said their learned father, as he pushed his kids safely out the door.