In the hot seat

Editor’s note: Instead of running with Zen Mother’s usual column, we sat down with the elusive woman for an in-depth look at Newburyport’s most inappropriate advice columnist. The reporter asked not to be identified.

Reporter: Thank you for meeting with us today, Mrs. Z. Many of our readers are curious about you.

ZM: Well, I’m always willing to chat with you about being Newburyport’s most trusted advisor.

Reporter: Um, no, that’s not it. We wanted to interview you because April is National Humor Month.

Silence

Reporter: So…uh…we thought it would be timely to talk to you about your humor column.

ZM: You think I write a humor column? You think what I write is funny?

Reporter: Well, yeah. I mean, that stuff can’t be true – about killing your husband all the time, your wild kids and that crazy relative of yours, Grammy Z. That’s all made up, right?

ZM: What? Oh, right. Sure.

Reporter: So, where do you derive your material? Mrs. Z, excuse me but do you have something in your eye? It’s twitching.

ZM: You have no idea what it’s like. Living with them.

Reporter: Who? Why do you keep looking over your shoulder?

ZM: Them. They’re evil.

Reporter: Your family? C’mon. That can’t be true. What about your children?

ZM: They’re the worst – especially the youngest.

Reporter: He’s five years old, correct? What could be so evil about him?

ZM: I make him broccoli and when I put the plate in front of him, he says, “Ice cream sandwich?” Cute as can be, just like that. And I say, “Eat your broccoli,” and he say’s “Ice cream sandwich?” and I say, “Eat your broccoli” and he says…

Reporter: Ice cream sandwich?

ZM: YES! Don’t you see the madness?

Reporter: What do you do?

ZM: I GIVE HIM THE ICE CREAM SANDWICH! And the broccoli lies there staring at me, mocking me.

Reporter: Oh, I don’t think broccoli would mock you. Ah, waiter? Could I get the check? Quickly?

ZM: Well, the broccoli isn’t as bad as the Lego people – They live all over the house. They’re always whispering insults and playing practical jokes on me…climbing into my shoes, sneaking up from the couch cushions…I can’t stand it!

Reporter: The Lego people? WAITER! I really need to get back to work, Mrs. Z. Thank you for your time.

ZM: Wait! You can’t leave me. I can’t go home to that husband. He’s perfect, you know. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to live with someone like that? And every time I kill him, he comes back to life! Perfect and invincible!

Reporter: I’m sure he’ll die one of these days. Please, ma’am, let go of my leg.

ZM: Take me with you. Can’t you put me in a witness protection program or something? Don’t leave me! I BEG OF YOU!

Editor’s note: As you can see, Zen Mother needs a long vacation, preferably in a high-security location with soothing music and nightly Bingo. She’ll be wrapping up her column in May to return at a later…much later…date.