Treasure to Trash

Dear Zen Mother,

I just can't keep up with the paperwork flood that flows home from school...I'm drowning here! The homework desk is perpetually piled with proof that my kids are keeping Crayola’s stock thriving and there are a hundred and one ways to use noodles, yarn and glue. You have three kids. What do you do with the paper they produce?

Ellen in Southampton


Dear Ellen,

For many years I tortured myself with the notion that in order to beat Martha Stewart for the Mother of the Year award I needed to adopt Smithsonian standards for archiving my children’s artwork. But then Martha was incarcerated and my sister told me Mother of the Year was beyond my reach anyway (who knew ketchup didn’t count as a vegetable?).

By the time my third child was coming up to me with his latest squiggly interpretation of a spaceship, wide eyed and full of love, I would say “That’s nice, honey,” while dropping the picture into the shredder without lifting my eyes from a magazine – Oh, please! I’m kidding! I would never use a shredder without looking.

The seven steps to a clutter-free home didn’t come easy but here’s the path I took.

Step 1: Take the child’s artwork from his hand. Tell him it is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen and you will save it forever. Ask him to bring you the box of tissues and explain the concept of “happy tears” as you burst into sobs over the thought of one more cotton ball sheep living in your den.

Step 2: Let your child know that every time she throws a piece of artwork away, she’ll be able to create a new picture with the same soul. See how she looks at you in utter disbelief. Purchase frame for the macaroni American Flag she brought home today.

Step 3: Get caught putting all the artwork in the recycling bin when your child wakes up at 2:00 a.m. for a glass of water. Explain the woodland elves want all the paper back so they can create more trees in the forest. Go to bed feeling like the Grinch getting nabbed by Cindy Loo Hoo.

Step 4: Follow the Kindergarten teacher home from school, trip her from behind and push her face into the dirt.

Step 5: Explain to your children that if we do not recycle their artwork, Voldemort will return to power.

Step 6: Casually toss all artwork over the fence into the neighbor’s yard where a bulldog that answers to the name Shrapnel “takes care of things.”

Step 7: Throw everything away and tell your kids Daddy did it.

Save the stick figure family portrait, the handprint turkey and the school photo Christmas ornament; Save the Popsicle stick house, the pressed flower bookmark and the clay Valentine necklace. Pull these items out every Mother’s Day and explain to your children the concept of happy tears as you sob uncontrollably over not saving every scrap of paper your children ever gave you.